nagging THOUGHTS

"Restore to me the joy of thy salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit. Then I will teach transgressors thy ways, and sinners will return to thee." (Psalm 51:12-13)

The hardest lesson I learned from being a teacher is - to un-teach myself.

Life is a teaching-learning process and the world is your classroom. And being an educator is not just a profession (I wish it were)… it is a lifetime commitment. The compensation is not much but huge in other "fringe" benefits.

I become a teacher, accidentally. I have other plans in my life [something grand] but my calling was in this field (or so I thought.) I was never good with kids but the kids are good to me… so we compromised. I love to talk and they taught me to listen. It has some drawbacks but I was always compensated by the non-materials things. At the end of the day, I was tired but appreciated.

During my first year of teaching, when my idealism was still high… I outdone myself in all aspect of my personal life orientation. My creativity amazed me to no end. I was so much inspired and tireless. And for the first time in my adult life, I love what I was doing.

Then there was this average looking but extra-ordinary girl in one of my classes. She was the smartest kid I’ve ever known. I admired her for her dedication and commitment. For such a young age, this girl exudes optimism, ambition, hard work, and wisdom. She was the kind of student who is always hungry to learn new things. She graduated valedictorian.

Students come and go. As a teacher, it was not in our job description to invest in personal relationship with our students.

For sometime, I thought getting their trust and respect is worth the investment. It makes it easier to teach them and make them do what you tell them. That way, your work is done quick. No re-teaching classes… less work… more rest.

For awhile, I guessed it was not a bad idea at all. If you were nice to your students, you are sure that they are not making fun of you when you are not around.

For a moment, I learned that they are also capable of graduating from being a student to being a friend. But this has consequences that one has to dealt with. I learned that too late.

Being a teacher never prepared me for success - my students, that is. Success for me was no big deal. I can’t even claim that I am successful because people’s idea of success is varied and always changing. But one thing is sure… success changes a person.

Just like any other profession, there are some downsides in being a teacher. And the investment you make in your personal relationship with your students are also some lessons to learn.

That smart girl, after all the things I did just gave up on me for reasons I don’t know. She just stopped communicating. Maybe because she no longer needs me the way she needed me when her father… brother… and grandfather died. She stopped getting in touch now because she doesn’t need any advise from me anymore because she is now an Engineer and my expertise in thesis writing is no longer important. And perhaps, she stopped talking to me because she thinks that I will ask her for favor because I did pay for her graduation fee… which she did not ask but which I offered because I wanted to help. [Sometimes that is what you get when you are too involved.]

I saw her when she grew up into a fine young woman full of dreams, hopes, and idealism. I rejoiced when she won the most coveted award for a high school student in our province and I was even there when she won yet another award for her dedication and hard work for the same foundation that gave her her first important achievement in life. Oh I just adore her. My admiration for her was the I-want-to-be-like-her-when-I-grow-up kind and it will never die. But I got over it.

Oh, I remember now… I asked her once to buy me a pizza. She came to the house to ask me to help her with her speech for our School’s Recognition Day where she was the Guess Speaker (the youngest in the history of the school). She did not bring me the pizza but I helped her with her speech anyway. (Why not, I was the one who suggested the faculty to get her as our guess speaker because I have so much faith in her.) Or maybe because when she won that last award… she texted me… and told me "u r hir agen n u witness yet anoder achvmnt of myn, tnx 4 evrytng." and then I replied… "so… wen wil u treat m?" and she didn’t text me back. I hope I can teach myself again not to hope to much.

But she never looks back.